This Ain't Eds-Kankers
by BarthVader
Summary: Eds and Kankers are now buddies! ...wait, what? Numerous rumors appear in the cul-de-sac, some plausible, some implausible, and some just plain weird. Loosely connected non-romantic drabbles.
1. Nazz's version

**As the description said, there will be seven non-romantic drabbles, about possible scenarios for Eds and Kankers to become buddies, connected by a very loose framing device. ****I know I've said I want to crawl out of the ditch labeled "Eds and Kankers", but I had this idea for quite a while and decided "why the heck not?". Besides, it's a lighthearted fic that cannot be summed up as "Kankers want the D lol", so my goal was somewhat achieved.**

******Also, fuck ff dot net for not letting me use a / symbol in the fic's title.**

**Enjoy.**

"Hm." Edd rubbed his chin, staring at the Scrabble board opposite him. On the other side of the table, May and Marie were glaring at their rack, scowling. Between the pairs, on the side, Eddy and Lee were shuffling their letters, silently trying to convince each other that their option would be the most beneficial in the long run.

The slim boy grabbed a few tiles and placed them. "I can add a prefix to the word 'strain' to form 'restrain'. Now, it's taking a double word square, so Ed and I earn sixteen points." he said, noting down his score, then looked at his left. "Your move."

The brunette boy and the redheaded girl leaned towards each other and exchanged a few whispers. After finding a consensus, Lee grabbed three tiles from her rack,

"And we're expandin' 'restrain' to 'restraining', gettin' another double word square. How much for that?"

"Twenty-four." Marie muttered, as the hatted boy wrote down the numbers.. "So, now..." She placed a tile on the board.

"...er?" Ed asked, raising a half of his unibrow.

May crossed her arms. "We've got seven E's on our rack."

"You can always swap some of them instead of making a move." Eddy suggested.

"Really?" Marie smiled. "Pass the sa-" she started, only to stand up and look through the window behind the host.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked.

After a short while, she replied, sitting down. "Nah, I'm just paranoid. Pass the freakin' sack."

* * *

On the other side of the window, Rolf and Nazz crawled back towards the bush where the other kids were hiding.

"It's true!" the boy muttered. "Ex-swindler Ed-boys and lower-class-lout Kanker-girls are now comrades!"

Jonny poked Plank with his index finger. "You owe me twenty bucks, buddy!"

"I told you, guys!" Kevin crossed his arms. "They must be up to something!"

"I don't understand it." Jimmy piped in. "I mean, out of all of us, the Eds have the most reasons to hate them, and now they're all goody-goody with each other?"

"Hormones." Sarah shrugged.

"They aren't that desperate... are they?" the jock scratched his head.

The blonde scoffed. "C'mon guys, I'm pretty sure they've just sat down and had a chat with each other, like mature people."

* * *

_The boys were sitting on Eddy's bed, planning a party for all the neighborhood kids._

"_...and the boombox goes here." the short boy poked the plan of his backyard. "The buffet will be here, and maybe you can fix up a karaoke machine or something."_

"_I think you should reconsider your plans, Eddy." Edd wasn't convinced. "Organizing a house party can prove detrimental to our finances, and if it will get out of hand, your property as well."_

"_Dude, relax." the boy patted his friend's back. "They'll be too drunk to do anything." Noticing the hatted boy's face became pale, he added. "Dude, I'm messin' with you. Pull the plug outta-"_

_The boy was interrupted by someone knocking. Ed stood up and walked to the door._

"_Who's there?" he asked._

"_Kankers."_

"_Kankers who?" _

_Then, the boy froze in place, realizing what's going on. The Eds noticed that the knob started to rattle._

"_Installing those locks was the best decision I've ever made." Eddy muttered, grabbing his buddies and hiding them and himself under his bed._

_After a moment, the boys heard someone tapping at the window. The short boy peeked out, to notice a hand waving Lee's wife-beater turned inside out as a makeshift white flag._

"_Dude, we come in peace, seriously!" Marie shouted from beyond the door._

_The host crawled out from under his bed, gesturing at his friends to stay hidden. "What do you want?"_

"_To say sorry!" Lee replied._

"_Yeah, really." Eddy scoffed with disbelief. "And I'm Elvis Presley."_

"_I'm serious." she muttered, getting mildly annoyed._

_Eddy heard May whispering something to her sisters. Then, the youngest Kanker spoke up: "Alright, I get it, you don't trust us. We ain't surprised. Can you at least _listen _to us though?"_

_The other two Eds got out of their hiding spots, curious. "I think nothing will happen if we let them speak... from behind the door, naturally." Edd sugested._

"_Dudes, go on." Ed said._

_The blonde girl started with a huge sigh. "So, we are jerks."_

"_Tell me something I don't know."_

"_But, y'know, we have some standards." She went on, disregarding Eddy's bitter comment. "Back in that amusement park, your brother," the boys heard Lee ostentatiously spitting, "your own goddamn brother beatin' the crap outta you, after you asked him for help, for God's sake, that bastard... sorry, got sidetracked." She paused for a breath before continuing. "We've been thinkin' for a while..."_

"_Doing what?" Eddy interrupted._

"_Cut the snarkin'." Marie spat._

"_...an' in the end, you guys are okay. I mean, not only compared to white trash livin' in our 'park, but alright in general. An' we don't wanna be your enemies." After a while, she added "...An' we don't want Big Ed to whack us in the face with a door."_

"_So..." Lee said to no one in particular._

_Eddy looked at his buddies, checking their reaction._

"_What do we do?" he asked._

"_Accept the apology." his tall boy replied._

"_I agree with Ed on this one." _

"_Dudes!" the short boy burst out. "They are Kankers, for crying out loud! Do you seriously believe they all of a sudden had a change of heart?"_

_The redheaded boy nodded. "Uh huh."_

"_The way I see it," Edd elaborated, "if they would be dishonest about this, they wouldn't probably bother with keeping the charade for that long."_

"_You might have a point..." the short boy admitted silently. "...you know what, whatever, let's just get it over with."_

_He turned the lock and slid the door open. On the other side, Lee, May and Marie were standing with their hands in their pockets, waiting for the boys' reply._

"_So?" Lee repeated._

_Instead of answering, Eddy outstretched his hand. The girls looked at him slightly surprised, didn't really believing their eyes. Then, the ringleader stepped forward and firmly shook it._

_"We're good?" she muttered._

_"We're good."_

"_We need to hang out sometimes." Marie suggested. "It'd be nice to know a guy who doesn't have a one-track mind."_

"_It seems we have something in common." Edd regained some of his confidence._


	2. Jimmy's version

"Really?" Kevin muttered with disbelief.

"Well, we all know Ed and Double D are alright." Nazz explained. "Okay, _would_ be alright if they weren't helping Eddy with his scams."

Jonny looked at a piece of wood in his hands, then put it to his ear.

"Plank says you're insane."

"Dude," the blonde replied. "do you have a better idea on why they are playing board games together?"

"Well," Jimmy joined the conversation, "I think the Eds just stopped caring."

"Stopped caring?" the girl raised an eyebrow. "Like, how?"

* * *

_The Eds were sitting on the couch in Ed's house, watching one of his cheap horrors. Unbeknownst to them, three girls were peeking at them from the corridor._

"_Alright." Lee mouthed silently. "Now, I'm jumping from above, Marie from the left, and May from the right."_

"_I wanna jump from above." May protested. "You go from the right, Marie from the left."_

"_Both of you, look. Ed sits on the left, Double D in the middle. Eddy's too short, but we can guess he's on the right."_

"_Can we at least move the glass coffee table?" the short boy spoke up. "You don't wanna get cut, do you?"_

_The girls looked at the couch to notice that all three Eds were now turned to them. What surprised them the most was their reaction. Or lack thereof. They seemed to not be bothered by their presence. Ed nonchalantly pointed the remote at the VCR to pause the movie._

"_What?" he broke the silence._

"_...aren't you supposed to be scared?" May replied. "Panickin', beggin' for mercy, the like?"_

"_We don't care." Eddy muttered._

"_We have been through this..." Edd pulled out a calendar from under his hat and opened it, "...seventy-eight times already." He grabbed a pen and drew another notch. "The seventy-ninth one probably won't be that different."_

"_Oh really?" Lee considered this a challenge. She pulled the short boy by the collar and gave him a passionate kiss. The boys stared at this with mild disgust, May covered her eyes, while Marie's widened in shock._

_After Eddy was released, Lee gave him a cocky smile. "So, whatcha think now, sweetie?"_

_The boy wiped the lipstick off his face. "A worm wiggling in my mouth. Two outta ten." he muttered, still not bothered by the whole ordeal._

_Lee's jaw dropped for a split second. Then, in a last attempt to scare him, she pulled out her balisong, opened it and pointed it at his throat._

"_You're gonna do what I want. Is that clear?"_

"_Geez, woman." Eddy pushed the knife away a bit. "If you wanna bonk, just say so." He took off his shirt and, in an attempt at being sexy, threw it at the girl, covering her head. Ed pulled out a saxophone and played a short riff._

_May turned to him. "You like jazz?"_

"_A bit." he replied._

"_It's good for relaxation." Edd added, then turned towards the redhead. "Do you require some form of contraception?"_

_After a second needed to process what the hell is going on, Lee angrily threw the cloth off herself. "Fuck this."_

"_...ain't that the point?" the short boy picked his polo from the floor._

"_Shut up, put the fucking shirt on, just..." she sat down mildly exasperated. "...just leave me alone."_

"_This never was about any sort of romance, correct?" the hatted boy sat on the couch next to her. "It was about provoking a certain reaction. Now, when you failed to do so, you're confused. It's understandable. Sadly, we aren't bothered by your schtick anymore."_

"_Yeah, sorry and all." Eddy put his shirt back on. "But after lookin' at all the stuff I went through, you don't really seem _that _scary. Heck, I got cursed twice, and that was more annoying than a horny trailer girl."_

"_By the way, what are you guys watching?" Marie pointed at the TV screen._

"_Eight Days a Sauerkraut." the tall boy replied. "British paranormal investigator in a fancy hat ends up locked in a house by The Evil Barrel of Sauerkraut, who wants to turn him into a jar of pickles."_

_She smiled in a half-friendly, half-cocky manner and sat on the couch. "Since you don't give a fuck anymore, we're gonna tag around for a while."_

"_It's not like we have anythin' better to do." May sat next to her. _

_Eddy shrugged. "Whatevs. Just don't munch the popcorn too loud."_

_Lee livened up a bit. "There's popcorn?"_

"_Uh huh." the tall boy passed the bucket to her, unpausing the movie._


	3. Sarah's version

"That..." Nazz didn't knew how to comment the youngest kid's suggestion, "...that was... odd. I dunno what to-"

"Get real, folks." Sarah interrupted her. "We're talking about a bunch of trailer trash that's been harassing them since they moved in. And you really think it was all sunshine and rainbows?"

Kevin wanted to remark that Jimmy's tale contained a knifepoint rape attempt, but remained silent, as the redhead started telling her version of the story.

* * *

_The stench of burned tires was blending with the taste of blood in Lee's mouth. She groggily opened her eyes, and moved her fringe to check the damage._

_The junk yard looked even worse than usual. The coconuts were everywhere. The strip of red paint leading here from the trailer park was cutting the yard in half, the crane's arm was broken with the electromagnet lying next to the blown-up tractor and May was sticking from underneath the wrecked car, battered._

_Breaking the world record for crawling using only one's left hand, the redhead moved towards her sister and checked her pulse. She was still alive, so the older sister slapped her in the face._

"_Oi, May!" she mumbled. "You fine?"_

_The redhead interpreted the moan that came out of the girl's mouth as 'could be better'._

"_And where's Marie?"_

"_Under... the... car..." someone muttered. The bluenette crawled out, with a busted lip, torn tank top and a black eye. "Fuckin' bastards took us by surprise. Is there something left of them anyway?"_

_May raised her head and looked at the surroundings._

"_Uhhhhhhh." she stared intensively at a point in the distance. Lee noticed Eddy waving a white flag, lying next to the battered Edd in a pool in a crimson liquid._

"_I cannot feel anything below my neck." the slim boy whined._

_Using all her willpower, Lee stood up, feeling every single square inch of her body protest against that decision. Leaning against the mask of the car, she skimmed the environment for something to use as a makeshift cane. After deciding the old broom was perfect for that task, she slowly limped towards the boys._

_With great difficulty, Eddy raised his head to notice that his yellow polo now became dark red._

_"Awesome." he muttered. "This paint won't come off in ages."_

"_That's what happens when you think you can beat the Kankers up, sweetie."_

_Instead of replying, the boy kicked her walking stick, causing her to topple down with a painful groan and land between him and the slim boy, face first._

"_Don't act like you've won." he spat. "The other two are down for the count, and you're in no condition to fight yourself."_

_Lee turned to him, letting out a slight hiss. "Bullshit."_

"_So stand up and kick me."_

_After a pregnant pause, the girl muttered "The ground is really comfy today."_

_Eddy let out a dry chuckle. "How 'bout we call this one a tie?"_

"_Yeah." Lacking any ideas for what to do that wouldn't end with lots of hurt, the girl looked at the sky._

_The boy on her other side suddenly let out a long loud moan._

"_What's going on, Two-D?" the redhead asked._

"_Now I feel _everything _below my neck." he whispered. "Ow. Ow."_

"_Are we interruptin', lovebirds?" The chatting trio noticed that Marie and May were sluggishly crawling in their general direction. _

"_Nah, it's not like we've got better things to do." Eddy smirked._

"_Was it supposed to end like that?" May finally managed to form a sentence. "Like, with a big bang an' all?"_

"_Not quite." the short boy muttered. "At first, everything was going according to the plan, but then we kinda got carried away and..." he shrugged, wincing in pain, "it happened. It was nobody's fault..."_

_He was interrupted by Marie's chortle._

"_What's so amusing?" Edd asked._

"_Nothing." she grinned. "Just repeat what you've said a few times in your head."_

_As they thought about that, the hatted boy blushed, his friend rolled his eyes, while the girls snickered, then moaned in pain._

"_Fucking hell, it hurts." Lee complained. "An' I think I've broken somethin'."_

"_I do have some medical supplies in my house, and would be able to patch us all up." the hatted boy offered. "However, getting there in the first place in a way that avoids further injuries might be a bit of a challenge."_

_Then, a nearby pile of rubble shuffled a bit, and the third boy emerged from underneath it, a bit dizzy, noticeably less bruised than the other two._

"_Ed!" Eddy called. "Can you walk?"_

_The tall boy tried moving forward, and while he slightly limped while doing so, he didn't have as much difficulties as the others._

"_Now listen, Lumpy:" the short boy ordered, "_gently _pick us all up and carry to Sockhead's house."_

"_All of you?"_

_Eddy glanced at the girls._

"_We're hors de combat." Lee said. "We can't cause trouble right now."_

_After a pause, the brunette looked at the tall boy. "Yeah, all of us. But if the Kankers try something funny, leave 'em in the bushes or something."_


	4. Rolf's version

"Sarah, didn't we have a chat about you watching late night mo-"

Nazz didn't finish, because Rolf snapped his fingers in the air triumphantly. "Ah-ha! Rolf had figured it out! The real reason behind the troublesome Kanker-girls and Ed-boys' companionship was right on our feet!"

Jimmy raised an eyebrow. "...don't you mean 'in front of our noses'?"

"Same thing."

Nazz looked at him with curiosity. "Dude, really? What could it be?"

The blue-haired boy pulled out a sausage from his pocket and showed it to his peers. "We have forgotten about the power of the ayntoph!"

"Ayn-what?" everyone muttered.

* * *

"_It appears the short-tempered Ed-boy bought the cheapest locks for his room." Lee chuckled, entering Eddy's house, discarding a pair of bent hairpins. Her sisters followed suit._

"_Oh, Ed-booooys!" Marie shouted. "Your damsels of distress have arrived!"_

"_Shhhh." May silenced her. "Can you smell that?"_

_The redhead and the bluenette took a whiff, and, just like the blonde, were immediately seduced by the unknown scent. Forgetting about their original goal, they headed towards the source of aroma. Before they've noticed, they were in the kitchen, where Eddy was standing on a stepladder, stirring the contents of a large pot standing on the stove. His two buddies stood next to him, watching. The girls started to drool._

"_O-kay." Eddy walked down the ladder. "Now to- gah!" he paused as he noticed the unwanted guests right next to him, staring at the pot. Ed and Edd also turned around and froze in place. _

_Then something clicked in the stout Ed's head: they were _staring at the pot, _and not covering him and his comrades with their cheap lipstick._

"_What's going on?" the slim boy whispered._

"_I don't have a green idea, sockheaded Ed boy." Eddy replied. He snapped his fingers twice across the girls' faces. "Oi!"_

_The Kankers came back to their senses, but still found it a bit hard to concentrate. "...oh, hi." Lee greeted them._

"_What's in the pot?" May asked._

"_A family recipe.__" __the host started. "First, I chop the onions and glaze them on the frying pan. Then, I add them to the pot with braising diced__pepper and tomatoes and stir everything. On the same oil I used for the onion, I fry sliced__kielbasa and add it to the vegetables. Then I season it to taste and-__" __he stopped, as he and the other boys noticed a small pool of drool at the girls' feet._

"_...ladies, are you hungry perchance?__" __the slender boy asked, unsure of how to react._

"_Like wolves in the wooden cage.__" __Lee replied._

"_Do you want some of the victuals?__" __Ed offered._

"_Hold on." Eddy pointed at the guests with a wooden spoon. "What's in it for us, born out of wedlock Kanker-girls?"_

_Instead of answering, Marie tore her shirt off and threw it at the short boy's face with one swift motion._

"_...we're recycling gags now, yes?" he muttered._

"_We don't demand that much." Edd raised his hands slightly. "We merely want you to stop pillaging the neighborhood."_

"_I might do a meal for you every other day." the host suggested. "Cooking for me is as rewarding as hunting an enraged octopus." _

_May looked at Marie "Deal?"_

_The bluenette glanced at the redhead "Deal?"_

"_Deal." Lee stepped forward and shook Eddy's hand. "We really appreciate your gift, Son-Of-A-Car-Salesman. But now, feed us, as we're fucking starving."_

"_Yes, obviously." Eddy walked to the cupboard. "I'll grab some plates."_

_Ed backed away towards the bathroom. "I'm going to fetch the mop."_

"_And I'll bring some clothes for Marie to cover her body." Edd scooted towards the closet._


	5. Kevin's version

**I'd like to thank Steve for proofreading this and laughing at my shitty jokes and PhoenixVersion1, because if I didn't promise her I'm going to upload this, I probably wouldn't motivate myself.**

"You know what?" Nazz rubbed her chin. "This actually makes some sense."

"Yeah." Sarah admitted. "They aren't the richest folks here, and maybe they would be willing to stop harassing the Eds for a warm meal."

"You guys are stupid." Kevin spoke up. "Ain't it clear? They're up to something. Something big. Eddy came up with a plan, and the others are helping him..."

* * *

_Marie raised her welding mask and looked at the support beams she was working on._

_"Oi, Double D!" she waved at the boy with blueprints in his pockets and a hardhat on his head. "Are you sure those things will hold it all up?"_

_"Obviously, Marie." he replied. "Do you doubt my engineering abilities?"_

_"No, but..."_

_"Then why are we having this conversation?"_

_The girl rolled her eyes. Edd could be annoying when he was convinced he's in the right. "Just double-check everything, okay?"_

_"Alright, if you insist..." he pulled out the prints and started studying them. "But I can reassure you..." he cut short, and a scowl appeared on his face._

_"What? Is there a mistake there, Infalli-Bill?"_

_"I've miscalculated the density and the friction between the ground and the tracks." Edd facepalmed. "Gosh, I'm such a dork."_

_"Alright, this ain't that bad." She placed her arm around his shoulder, ignoring his slight shivers. "We've found this now, we can still fix it and not have a speeding wagon harm the first batch of suckers."_

_Edd sighed. "It isn't that simple. I mean, I can do this, obviously, but I need more time and materials."_

_"...I still don't see the problem."_

_He looked down, sighing. "Just watch. Eddy!" He shouted towards a boy lying on a sunbed near the entrance to what was supposed to be an amusement park. "Can you come here for a moment?"_

_The boy lifted his sunglasses. "I don't feel like standin' up."_

_Edd let out a silent groan and walked to him. The middle Kanker followed, noticing her hatted companion was slowly losing steam._

_"It's pretty important." he unraveled the blueprint and showed it to the leader. "Thanks to Marie, I've found an enormous oversight in my plans, that can, that WILL end up ruining our hard work."_

_"Then fix it, Sockhead."_

_"I need time. We need to postpone the opening."_

_No way."_

_"Listen up, shrimp," Marie stepped forward. "I'm going to explain this in simple terms, and using a lot of gestures. If Edd" she pointed at the boy, "won't fix it," she cranked an invisible bolt, "we" she made a 'showing around gesture' "are fucked." She made a circle with her thumb and index finger and shoved three fingers of the other hand in it._

_"Meh, you spend too much time with Double D and overreact. What could possibly go wrong?"_

_"What could... WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?" the thin boy erupted. "I've been hearing the same thing for the last eight years! And without fail, something goes wrong! And it's always the thing I've pointed out a few days prior! But you..."_

_"You know, this thing won't repair itself if you'll just yap at me." the short boy nonchalantly replied, lying down and putting the glasses back on. "So go and fix it."_

_The middle Ed gasped. "You Napoleonic..."_

_"Hey, Sleeping Beauty!"_

_The three turned to Lee, who was walking to them, carrying a bucket of paint with a brush sticking out of it. "Where the heck did you get that paint?"_

_"It was lying on the attic for a few years or so." Eddy shrugged. "What's the problem?"_

_"It's lead. Harmful."_

_"Harmful?" Eddy parroted. "What can it do to the suckers?"_

_"To hell with the suckers," Lee poked her chest, "what can it do to me?"_

_"Damage nerve connections and cause blood and brain disorders." the smart boy interjected._

_"Did someone ask you about something, Britannica?" his friend snapped._

_"Uh, g-guys..."_

_The four spun around to notice Ed, clutching his stomach with both hands and slightly bent over._

_"It hurts." he said, weakly._

_"Dear God, Ed, what happened?" the hatted boy asked, concerned._

_"There were those... red and yellow and green round balls... I thought they were candy..."_

_Eddy's eyes widened. "Ed, you doofus, that was rat poison!"_

_"Wha..." Lee's jaw dropped, "who the fuck makes rat poison that looks like candy?!"_

_"It was lying on the attic next to the paint! I didn't expect anyone to eat it, alright?" the short boy spat. It was clear that he was worried about his friend's well-being though. "Double D, don't look at me like that, do something!"_

_"I don't have the necessary supplies on myself." Edd replied. "Nevertheless, in my house..."_

_"Heeeeeelp!"_

_All five looked above to notice May with her leg tangled within a string attached to a single party balloon._

_"Take me down, twits!" the blonde shouted, hanging upside down, fifteen feet above the quintet._

_"Oh dear..." the middle boy slapped his forehead, "it appears I've made the balloon gas too light."_

_"If you will berate me for questioning your plans again, I'll slap you in the face." Marie spat._

_"Fine, fine, I'll think about pushing the opening away a day or two." Eddy gave up. "Now you take down your sister and we'll take care of Lumpy." He put his palm on the tall boy's shoulder. "It'll be fine, Ed, don't worry. Double D has some meds for that..." he looked at him, "right?"_

_"Yes, obviously. And Ed requires them as soon as possible, so" he turned to the girls, "pardon us ladies, but we'll leave you alone for now."_

_The three boys marched away quickly. The bluenette pulled out a slingshot and aimed at her airborne sister. With a swish, a small pebble flew at the balloon, piercing it. After a beat, May fell down, landing face-first between the other two._

_"Remind me," she mumbled, "why are we helping those dorks anyway?"_

_"Thirty percent of profits and a box of canned meat." the redhead replied._

_"A box of canned meat?" the blonde repeated._

_"Times are tough."_

_"You know what, bollocks to this!" Marie threw her hands up. "I'm done, I'm out, I don't care! This will end badly, I'm sure about that! If we walk out now, who's going to prove we had something to do with this idea anyway?"_

_Instead of answering, Lee pointed at the banner saying "Eds 'n' Kankers' Fun Times" hanging above them._

_"...fuck me." the bluenette scoffed._


	6. Jonny's Version

Nazz rolled her eyes. "Kevin, didn't we have a chat about your paranoia?"

"But listen, those dorks must be plannin-" The jock didn't finish, as Jonny had popped in between the two, holding Plank in front of him.

"Do I get to say my story?" he asked with a grin.

The girl glanced at him, uneasily, before shrugging. "Yeah, why not? I mean, everyone already did so, so..."

* * *

_The boys were sitting around the table in Edd's kitchen. The host finished shuffling the deck and handed everyone five cards each. Eddy picked up his hand and immediately scowled._

"_In the name of..." he muttered. "How do I only get royal flush when we play lowball?"_

"_The cards don't like you, Eddy!"_

"_Shut up, Ed."_

"_Still, this happened to you for the fourth time in a row." The smart boy pulled out a calculator. "The odds are circa one to one hundred seventy eight sextillion two hu-"_

"_You too, Sockhead."_

_The boys were interrupted by someone frantically banging on the door._

"_Who could that be?"Edd muttered._

_The answer was provided pretty soon, as May and Marie burst in, visibly disturbed by something._

"_Hi Oven Mitt no time to chat gotta hide!" the bluenette greeted them, as she and the blonde ran past the boys. Trying to stop them, Eddy grabbed the middle sister by her arm strap, only for the tank top to rip and stay in his hand._

"_Geez, Kanker, get yourself some new threads." he muttered. "Your shirt tears whenever someone looks at it funny."_

"_Ladies." the boy strolled to the couch underneath which the girls had hidden. "If I can inquire, what is the reason of your panic?"_

"_A robot!" May replied. "A big scary metallic robot that came here from planet Outlandish and wants to kill me and my sisters for some reason and it can shapeshift and it has guns and it wants to kill us and..."_

"_You and Lumpy are like two peas in a pod." Eddy rolled his eyes._

"_It's true, I've seen it with my very own eyes!" Marie joined the conversation. "We barely escaped!"_

_Suddenly, a silent sound of a cash register chimed in the short boy's head. "Saaaaaay," he knelt in front of the girls' hiding place, "how about we'll protect you from the evil robots... for a little fee?"_

_A few quarters rolled from under the couch, quickly snatched by the greedy boy._

"_Eddy, this is probably..." the hatted boy counted on his fingers, "...the fourth most half-baked idea you've ever had."_

"_Relax, Sockhead." the leader lowered his voice. "We're gonna let 'em hide under your furniture and get some cash outta this! What's so half-baked about it?"_

_Before Edd could name all possible ways this could go wrong, someone whacked the "shave and a haircut" rhythm into the door, with Lee and Marie barging in on the last pound._

"_Hi Oven..."_

"_...mitt no time to chat gotta hide." the stout Ed finished, out of reflex._

_The bluenette froze in place. "How did you-"_

_Ed lifted the couch with one hand, revealing May and shirtless Marie underneath it."Second verse, same as the first."_

_Everyone in the room alternated between looking at the two bluenettes, before one pointed at the other and shrieked "She's fake!"_

"_No, she is!"_

_Lee moved away from the two, pulling out her knife. May, lacking a weapon, just raised her guard._

"_Ladies, calm down." the hatted boy walked between the bluenettes and the rest of the group. "I'm positive we will be able to find out which of the girls is the real Marie."_

"_But how?"_

"_Just ask them a question that only a real deal can answer." Ed suggested. "Geez, why they never do that in the movies..." he added to himself._

_Lee shrugged. "My birthday?"_

_An awkward pause followed, as neither girl was able to reply to that._

"_...my birthday?" May piped in._

_Again, silence._

"_YOUR OWN birthday?" Eddy groaned, rolling his eyes._

"_I'm not good with dates, alright?" one of the Maries threw her hands in the air._

_Then, the eldest girl snapped her fingers triumphantly. "What hair dye do you use?"_

_The shirtless one rubbed her chin, as if she tried to remind herself the exact brand. Then, she replied: "Fo'real, Dark Blue, No. 139."_

_Instead of answering, the other Marie looked at her with a smirk._

"_What?"_

"_You just revealed yourself, tin can." she replied. "Those ain't dyed."_

_The uncovered double looked at her with shock. "But-but how?" her voice started sounding a mite more metallic. "Blue hair aren't _natural for the inhabitants of Earth_..." _

"_You've ever seen those anime freaks?" Eddy muttered._

"_Erm, guys," May raised her hand, "now we know which one is a deadly assassin who wants to kill us, so... what's the next part of the plan?"_

_The remaining five looked at her._

"_...do we have a gun or something?" Lee asked._

"i do;_"_

_Before anyone could react, three shotguns, two rocket launchers, seven flamethrowers, two miniguns, a syringe gun and a peashooter were aimed at the sextet._

"_I have, like, ten seconds to live." the short boy muttered. "To hell with my reputation." He embraced his hatted friend tightly. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!"_

"given that the sole purpose of my disguise was approaching the targets without drawing much suspicion, it worked perfectly;_" the assassin taunted. "_question: did you really expect to defeat me; ha ha ha; you are pathetic; i had over three hundred confirmed kills and was trained in guerrilla, gorilla and chimpanzee warfare; you are nothing but a-_"_

_It was interrupted by a loud zap that turned it into a neat pile of ash._

"_SHOOT, then GLOAT." Ed lowered his plasma blaster._

"_For crying out loud Lumpy, couldn't you pull out that thing earlier?" Eddy berated him, still glued to his smart friend. _

"_I'm sorry Eddy, it got stuck in my sleeve."_

_Edd did a double take. "...Ed, why do you carry an energy weapon capable of disintegrating extraterrestrial professional killers on yourself?"_

_The tall boy looked at his handgun. "Oops, the cat's outta the bag." He let out a long sigh and turned to his friends. "I'm only half-Terran. My real name is Edward Amicus-Firefly-Ghh;hrrr'rlrl'szczesny." He saluted. "I've been chosen by the United Galaxies Confederation to protect this planet from any kind of space threats."_

_"Do you have any idea why the Tin Woodman wanted to turn us into novelty wallpaint?" Lee asked. "Or why aren't y'all naked, 'cause I'm either sleepin' or high as balls?"_

_"I don't know." the hybrid shrugged. "All I know is that it will come back."_

_"What?"_

_"It's a robot. As we speak, a copy of his is being rebuilt in a facility behind the Laomedeia. He will return here to try and kill you again."_

_Kankers instinctively moved closer to each other. "Wh-when?" Marie stammered._

_Ed looked at his watch. "In exactleeeeee... eleven and a half years."_

_The girls sighed in relief._

_"You're gonna help us when he'll come back, right?" Lee asked._

_"Obviously." Ed saluted. "It is my job and duty! But now, as we don't have to worry for anything..." he threw away his jacket, revealing a floral-printed shirt underneath it. "...CONGA TIME!"_

_Edd pulled out a miniature CD player and pressed 'play'._


	7. Eds and Kankers' version

**Plank's version was supposed to be here, but I couldn't write it in a way that kept me satisfied. That means now we get to see what _really_ happened, and then I'll cough up a little epilogue.**

**Enjoy.**

"Jonny-the-wood-boy," Rolf piped up, "are you sure your screw doesn't require tightening?"

"What did you say?" the bald boy ignored the farmer's question and put Plank to his ear. "You've got your own version?" Everyone stared at him, disturbed, as he 'listened' to his 'friend's' take on the situation.

"No, that's too cliché, I won't tell it." He muttered after a short while. "…well, and _your _mother was a springboard!... aw, I've forgotten Ed got your parents killed…"

"It wasn't me, Jonny!" the tall boy protested. "Eddy stole them from me and drove under a low bridge!"

The realization hit all six of them at once. Being too absorbed with other things, they didn't notice that the Eds and Kankers had stopped playing board games some time ago, and now have been eavesdropping on them for what could be quite a while.

"Erm…" Nazz awkwardly turned towards the stout Ed and the redheaded Kanker. "…hi?"

"H-h-how l-long were you l-listening to us?" Jimmy stammered, inching away.

"Since the Shovelchin's version." Eddy was scribbling something on a piece of paper. "What was in that amusement park you were describin'?"

"For the record, we ain't gonna work for less than fifty percent." Lee said.

"Thirty-five and that's final."

"Fifty." The redhead repeated. "I'm not going any lower."

The boy rolled his eyes. "Alright, _thirty-six._ And look, you can nicely divide that between you three."

"He's making a good point about the dividin', Lee." Marie joined the conversation. "Let's up it to fifty-one."

"Alright, let's be serious for a moment." Nazz regained some of her confidence. "As you've heard, we've been discussing why all of a sudden you are all fine with each other..." She paused for a moment. "What the hell happened? Did we miss another cupid attack in the meantime?"

"Well…"

"So..."

"It is quite an interesting story…"

"One version." Kevin rolled his eyes. "None of that rashomon bullcrap."

* * *

The boys were sitting around the table in Eddy's kitchen.

"Alright guys, it was nice to lay low for a while," the host started. "but now we're back in business! I've got a great idea for a new scheme..."

"I knew it!" Kevin burst into the room, pointing accusingly at the boys.

"Get outta my flashback, Shovelchin!" the short boy spat. "Anyway, as I was sayin', I've got a great idea for a new scheme... well, half-new; we tried something like that before…"

"Is this a bad joke?" Edd interrupted, in an unusually firm matter. "After your- after _our_ last scam backfired with great force we ended up being forced to escape the town, and only a handful of lucky coincidences had saved us from being lynched." He raised his voice. "Are you really that arrogant to believe Ed and I are going to neglect that fact and assist in yet another half-baked attempt at making an easy profit?"

"Nope."

The other boys looked at him, slightly taken aback by the reply.

"…I beg your pardon?" the smart Ed blurted.

"Surprising, eh?" the short boy briefly smirked. "This ain't another" he made air quotes with his fingers, "'half-baked' plan. I've watched everything go to heck one too many times, and I've almost lost you two as a result." He paused for a second. "I've learnt my lessons. I'm not gonna stop selling shit, 'cause this is what I do, but _now _I'm gonna make sure this shit won't hit the fan." He stood up walked to his friends. "Put some _effort _into all this, listen to your notes and _not press the freakin' red button. _And I've got only one question, guys." He put his hands on their arms. "Are you with me?"

"As always, Eddy!" Ed saluted, whacking the other two boys.

"Granted, I have my doubts," Edd backed away, clutching his nose, "but given that I value our friendship, and you seem to show some improvement, I am willing to try and participate in your next scheme."

"You guys are flippin' awesome." Eddy hoped that the other boys didn't notice him wiping a tear. "Now let's get started!" He produced a clipboard with a basic outline of his semi-new idea. "So, I wanted to put up a lemon-"

He suddenly stopped as he heard the noise of something scraping beneath him and the floor starting to move. After a second needed to process the possible reason, he took two steps backwards, just in time for a piece of floor to crumble from underneath his feet. Three girls in mining helmets popped up from the resulting hole.

"Hello boyfriends!" Marie greeted them.

"Kankers!" Ed screamed, trying to run away from the room. 'Trying' is the correct word, as he just did a one-eighty and ran straight into a wall, which, oddly enough, didn't gave way.

"G-g-g-greetings l-l-ladies." Edd stuttered, inching back.

Eddy glanced at the girls, uneasily. Then he took a deep breath to calm himself down and, to his friends' horror, stepped forward towards the trio.

"We want a ceasefire." he said, as confidently as he could.

Lee looked at him, curious. The short boy was usually the first to run or trash-talk. "Ceasefire? Who are you and what did you do with the real Eddy?"

"He's an alien!" Jonny shrieked.

Everyone but Ed facepalmed.

"Let me show you the door." Marie grabbed the boy by the collar and threw him out of the retrospection.

"Anyway…" Eddy went on. "I want to focus on scams that actually _work _and I don't need you three wrecking my plans." the boy explained, as the girls crawled out of the hole. "What do you want us to do in return for not being jerks?"

A pregnant pause followed. The boys started looking for emergency exits.

"You know, that's why you're awesome." the redhead finally said, in a tone that could be described best as 'sincere'. "After that breakdown in the amusement park, a normal person would've ditched everything and, I dunno, became a farmer. You're still standin', and tryin' to improve." She poked his chest with her index finger. "You're going places, you know that?"

Eddy stared at her. "Who are you and what did you do with the real Lee Kanker?"

"And since we're already gushing about you guys," the youngest girl piped in, "I loved how you whacked the bad guy with the door, Big Ed. That was clever."

The boy blushed. "Thanks."

"D'aw, that's so cute." Nazz suddenly appeared behind the boys.

The Eds and the Kankers just stared at her wordlessly until she got the hint.

"Oh. Sorry dudes, go on." She disappeared.

"Back on topic," Marie joined the conversation, "what you're saying is, you'll do anything to make us leave you alone, right?"

"Anything _PG-rated._" Eddy growled.

The bluenette frowned. "Killjoy."

Her older sister clasped her hands. "Why won't you suggest something, sweethearts?"

"Like, what?" the short boy shrugged. "An unlimited access to my fridge?"

"Ah ha!" Rolf popped from the ceiling. "The Son of a Shepherd had accurately predicted-"

"Can we finish this godforsaken flashback without y'all getting in the way, dipsticks?!" the redhead erupted.

"Yes, yes." the farmer raised his hands. "Apologies, eldest Kanker-girl."

After he disappeared, the girl turned back to the Eds. "Where were we?"

"We were makin' an offer." Eddy reminded.

"Yeah, right." She crossed her arms and smirked. "So, loveboat…"

"We'll let you use my washing machine." Ed spoke up.

The girls looked at him, as if he suddenly grew another pair of arms and started juggling bowling pins with them.

"...really?" the youngest Kanker piped in. "We could...?"

The tall boy nodded. "Yeah, it's not a problem, just drop your payload through the window."

After a beat, the Kankers formed a circle, whispering something to each other. The Eds picked up two sentences: "we could get something more" and "I'm tired of hand-washing your bras".

Suddenly, the six heard someone parking in the driveway.

"What the…" Eddy muttered. "Mom and Dad are working 'till late afternoon."

A few seconds later the door was kicked open. "Pipsqueeeeek! I'm _baaaaack_!"

Eddy gulped, as his brother peeked from outside and searched around. Noticing the short boy in the adjacent room, he entered the house with a slasher villain grin on his face.

"There you are." He muttered through his teeth. "Thanks to y'all I've lost my job, the best job I've ever had." He walked slowly to the room, rolling up his sleeves. The short Ed started trembling in fear. "Any last words before I pound you to a pulp?"

Everyone heard a few silent clicks, and Lee stepped forward, with a butterfly knife in her hand. "You have to get through me first."

"Oooooh, my little bro needs his _girlfriend_ to defend him."

The girl shrugged. "Gender equality."

"Get outta the way, bimbo." The man demanded. "I don't like hittin' chicks."

The redhead smirked. "Sweet, it'll make my job easier."

Eddy's brother raised his fists. "You have three seconds to scram."

"One, two, three, bring it on."

Lee was prepared to dodge the attack, parry it, counter it, disarm the dipshit if he'll pull out a weapon, or just kick him in the happy sacks, depending on his next move.

She wasn't prepared for Ed pushing her away and take the blow. She also didn't expect the boy blocking the attacker's fist with his left hand.

"What the-" he muttered.

With the other hand, the boy delivered a quick sucker-punch to the assailant's stomach. Then, when he doubled over, the boy grabbed him by his throat and pulled him closer.

"Listen carefully, prick." the tall Ed growled through his teeth, stretching every syllable. "If I will ever see you harming Eddy, harming _anyone,_ I'm going to personally remove you from existence." His irises started emitting a strange red glow. "Not beat up, not kill, I'm gonna _rip the very fabric of reality **and retcon your pathetic ass! IS. THAT. CLEAR?!**_"

Eddy's brother wheezed in agreement, prompting the angered boy to release him.

"Now get out." he growled.

"But I live here-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The man yelped and ran out of the room, then out of the house. Ed closed his eyes and silently counted to ten.

Eddy turned to the girls, who had become noticeably paler. "So… what about that ceasefire?"

"We leave you alone and Dee here doesn't go _I Spit On Your Grave_ on us." The redhead suggested. "And the washing machine thing."

"Deal." They shook hands and the boy pointed at the door. "Now scra-, I mean, _please_ _leave,_ we've got a scheme to discuss."

"A scheme?" Lee asked, curious. "What kind of scheme?"

"None of your business." The short Ed spat.

"Actually, " Edd piped in, "presenting your idea to a person other than me and Ed will minimize the chance of overlooking a mistake."

Kankers grabbed a chair each and sat down. "It's not like we have better things to do, now that messin' with you is outta the question." Marie remarked. "Blow us away, Donald Trump."

Eddy sighed and grabbed a clipboard. "Fine. So," he started, "it was supposed to be a lemonade stand…"


	8. Epilogue

"And then we all had sex." Marie finished.

The remaining five looked at her. "…no, we did not." Edd muttered after a second.

"A gal can dream, now, can't she?"

"So, what you're saying is, you're afraid of the Monobrow." Kevin scoffed. "Geez, and I thought you were tougher than that."

"Gimme a break, bike-o-sexual," Lee retorted. "You haven't seen him _that_ pissed, or otherwise you'd be pushin' up daisies."

"Whatever, _dorkettes._"

Before the girls had managed to get close enough to punch Kevin in the nether regions, Nazz stepped in between them. "I for one am content that we're all on good terms now." Smiling, she discreetly stepped on the capped boy's foot to stop him from adding two more cents. "You know what, how about we all celebrate it somehow?"

"Let's sing a song!" Jimmy piped in. "_If you stub your toe and it hurts you…_"

"_No._" All three Eds spat.

Jimmy needed a second to remind himself what they're talking about. "...aw come on guys, you've_befriended the Kankers, _can't we just all forgive and-"

The boy stopped, hearing a vehicle coming close really fast. All twelve turned around to notice a pick-up truck making a left turn into the cul-de-sac and parking near the group. Four people in their twenties stepped out, wielding various weaponry, Eddy's brother amongst them.

"Hello again, pipsqueaks." he taunted, cracking his fingers.

"Son of a…" Marie muttered. "Everyone, behind us."

Rolf took off one of his shoes and clutched it in his right hand. "You must be out of your mind, hair-of-cold-winter Kanker girl, Son-Of-A-Shepherd isn't going to stand back when…"

"I'll handle this."

To the non-Eds-and-Kankers' surprise, Ed stepped forward and grabbed one of the men by the collar and pulled him so that their eyes were separated by less than an inch. "You slimy…" he whispered.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Lee tackled him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Whoa. Put him down."

Confused boy did as ordered. The attacker backed away, terrified.

"One important thing." The redhead raised her finger. "If you get in a fight, always take the leader out first. It's a morale thing." She pointed towards Eddy's brother. "That's all, go on."

Before the man could turn to run, the tall boy leaped to him and, with a single swing, sent him flying up above the sky.

"Ten outta ten." Lee smirked.

Jonny put a piece of wood to his ear. "Plank says it was a seven at best."

After a beat, the man's terrified companions looked at each other, and all but one fled immediately. Only the guy who was saved from the boy's wrath quickly walked to the redhead and shook her hand in gratitude, then turned around and ran, trying to catch up with his comrades.

"Ed saves the day!" May cheered. "...don't feel bad about this, you were defending your friends, goddammit." She added, noticing the boy's frown.

"Dude, he really flew high." Nazz muttered, staring upwards. She turned to Edd. "When do you think he'll land?"

The smart boy pulled out a clipboard and a pen. "Well, if we estimate the height or the velocity… v squared divided by two equals g times h…"

"He won't go on low earth orbit, he'll come down." Marie interrupted, snatching the pad from him. "Screw him, let's go to the movies."

**Jesus Christ on a speeding moped, it's done.**

**A few things:**

**First of all, thanks to Steve for basically becoming my official proofreader. He picked up a bunch of small mistakes that would made this finale slightly worse.**

**If I can point something out: while admittedly Eddy's brother presence counts as domestic abuse, I didn't need to resort to angst and drama to make Eds and Kankers interact peacefully with each other. Shippers, take notes! **

**As far as future plans go, there's a new story in the making. Not Eds/Kankers this time, I need to branch out a bit, FFS. **

**Well, that's all for tonight. It's 3:15 AM, I'm tired, g'night everybody. BarthVader out.**


End file.
